I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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