Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
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