New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
