you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Randomize
