i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
