so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
