nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
