thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
