oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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