he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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