So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
