Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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