Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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