Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Randomize
