she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
i love accidental penises.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
