i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
this boner is exhausting
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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