i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Randomize
