its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
