I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
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