we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
