my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Bring me that man meat
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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