Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
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