I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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