The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
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