lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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