did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
