i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
