The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
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