Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
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We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
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You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?