So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
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You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
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Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.