it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I need to align my fucking chakras
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
