We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
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