I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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