The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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