you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
i will never coherently bang her
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
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