I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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