Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Randomize
