Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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