She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Randomize
