he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Randomize
