yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Randomize
