just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
