Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
