if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
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So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
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