just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Randomize
