im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
