I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
