there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I AM VODKA MAN
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
