FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
