if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
