Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
