I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
I party with great urgency now.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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