if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
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