Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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