Having a random hookup so left but love u
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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